if i can run in heels then i can drive
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
