I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
