when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
