if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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