So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
