just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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