47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
