I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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