So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
