you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
