Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
