You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
