I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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