She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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