The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This is the high leading the old right now
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
