sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
