i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
