i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How does it feel to date your dad?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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