I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
