I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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