I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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