Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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