I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
