I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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