Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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