He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
