'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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