I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Randomize
