...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
