broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
