hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
