I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
