DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
how drunk are you?
Several
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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