All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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