I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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