I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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