who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
