Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
