I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
NoShamevember. You game?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize