Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
