you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
