she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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