It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
