Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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