It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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