omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
