My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
