I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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