uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
