Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
