i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize