Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize