Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize