I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
