You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
