I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
babies were throwing up all over the place
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
